i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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