i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
