fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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