Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize