Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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