you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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