Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
