____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Someone shit on the floor
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
