I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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