i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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