You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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