this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
