I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Come see our sink grown plant.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize