It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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