I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize