i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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