Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
