Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I supernannyed him into submission
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
