i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
