Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
