matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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