Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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