She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
