I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
