Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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