ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
