You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
