my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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