hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Two words: blizzard sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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