but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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