If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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