I met the friendliest cop last night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
