Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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