I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize