Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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