sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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