apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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