I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's always time for handjobs
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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