The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why do cheetos always look like penises
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
