Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it glows. i had to have it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
