When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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