Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
