matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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