I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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