I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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