i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
