Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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