Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
