Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize