We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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