Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
