I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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