This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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