im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
