she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
