that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
