Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize