I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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