You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
