I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
