do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize