just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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