Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
