We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need a beard to bite.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize