you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
