I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
