I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
